My dear cousin gave me this quote yesterday, I hope it is an encouragement to you as it is to me:
"Jesus' death reveals to us that we do not have to live pretending that death is not something that comes to all of us. As he hangs stretched out between heaven and earth, he asks us to look our mortality straight in the face and trust that death does not have the last word. We can then look at the dying in our world and give them hope; we can hold their dying bodies in our arms and trust that mightier arms than ours will receive them and give them the peace and joy they always desire. -Henri Nouwen
I believe so strongly in heaven and Christ's finished work on the cross that I think I would qualify for admission to the psych ward's in the hospital where my husband works. (Belief in God or hearing him speak being a diagnostic criteria for many types of psychosis; though as I have said before, I don't actually hear God speak). This has not always been the case, over the past three months--which lasted for three years--I have tried other routes for expressing my grief. I have looked inward and focused on my loss, my anger, my sorrow, and my pain. The fruit of this reflection is always the same: anger, bitterness, impatience, and a despair that keeps me from doing the good set before me. When instead of on my own grief, I focus on the cross of Christ and his defeat of death, the fruit of the Spirit wells up supernaturally--and through no good of my own--to splash its cool refreshing mist all about me. When I rely completely on Christ's finished work and allow him to quiet me with his love and rejoice over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17b), I am able to love in return. "We love because He first loved us," (1 John 1:19). It may be crazy to live in the light of resurrection glory and to take a sabbatical to rest in His unfailing love, but I happen to know that even in the Psych wards they have no laws against love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22). As a result, "let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds," (Hebrews 10:24), crazy or not. Even if we are destined only to become worm food, I would like to go as the "kind, gentle, loving" variety, but I digress, as if such a thing were possible without Jesus.
When Matty looks down and sees me here--still not sure how that whole time thing works--I do not think he will appreciate my self-absorption. I think he would like to see us honor his memory by continuing to do good to the other 130 million orphaned children around the world (Don't worry sweet family and friends, we will not be bringing anyone else home in the very near future--we will leave that to you!). We have good to do today, and so it is now my great joy to turn this computer off and leave the virtual world behind so that I can be busy about loving those two little munchkins still sleeping up stairs, my crazy husband (no new adventures today, honey), and you, my dear friends, who have all waited so patiently for me to walk my little boy home. (Matty, my son, how I miss you! Who would have thought that a selfish sinner such as myself could by the grace of God love you as my own, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone). Blessings and goodbye until we meet again on the other side of sorrow, in that beautiful place where the least of these like Matt will be the greatest.
"r"
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
matty's memorial
We will remember Matt this Saturday, April 25th, at Desert Springs Church. For details, please email "r," Amy, or Alyssa.
Thank you all for your prayers for Matt and our family. We could not have made it through this trial with as much joy as we have without your faithful support on your knees. I don't know that we would have made it at all. Thank you, Jesus, for giving us your church!
Last night was hard on all of us. There are so many holes Matt used to fill; we have spent so much time thinking about and caring for him that we feel a little lost with out him. While there is much for us to do now, it is difficult to shift gears and press on. To assist with this process of moving forward, we will shortly disable this blog site. There is both godly grief that focuses on the hope we have in the cross of Christ--a hope that looks forward--and ungodly grief that focuses on our worldly loss--a sorrow that focuses on the past (1 Thes 4:13).
Paul, in Philippians 3:12b-14, 18, 19b-4:1, speaks to these truths when he says,
We will not forget Matt, but we must think of him and ourselves in the light of heaven. To do otherwise is to sin and risk being sucked into a grief without hope.
Please pray with us that when we think of Matt, we will follow Paul's command to think on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think on these things," (Philippians 4:8).
With gratitude for your partnership in the faith,
"r"
Thank you all for your prayers for Matt and our family. We could not have made it through this trial with as much joy as we have without your faithful support on your knees. I don't know that we would have made it at all. Thank you, Jesus, for giving us your church!
Last night was hard on all of us. There are so many holes Matt used to fill; we have spent so much time thinking about and caring for him that we feel a little lost with out him. While there is much for us to do now, it is difficult to shift gears and press on. To assist with this process of moving forward, we will shortly disable this blog site. There is both godly grief that focuses on the hope we have in the cross of Christ--a hope that looks forward--and ungodly grief that focuses on our worldly loss--a sorrow that focuses on the past (1 Thes 4:13).
Paul, in Philippians 3:12b-14, 18, 19b-4:1, speaks to these truths when he says,
I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. For, as I have often told you before before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the Cross of Christ....Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!
We will not forget Matt, but we must think of him and ourselves in the light of heaven. To do otherwise is to sin and risk being sucked into a grief without hope.
Please pray with us that when we think of Matt, we will follow Paul's command to think on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think on these things," (Philippians 4:8).
With gratitude for your partnership in the faith,
"r"
Monday, April 20, 2009
joy in sorrow
If you follow this blog, you are probably wondering how we are holding up. Although we miss our little boy, we are ridiculously thankful that he is now home. Can you picture him rough housing with our Abba, Father? Matt can see! He may even be able to see us here writing about him--depending on how that whole time/space thing works. He squeals with delight while snuggling with the lambs and wrestling lions. His muscles work, and he can not only smile, he laughs! Thank you, Jesus, for taking our boy home.
Joy, peace, hope, love. These words don't even begin to describe the overwhelming spirit of gratitude given to us today. All day, I have asked for an analogy to help me describe to myself--much less to others--how we can feel joyous in the midst of such loss. This is our best attempt at an answer:
For months we have grieved Matt's passing. We walked with him down an arduous and often ugly path. We watched as he struggled for each breath. We watched and did not look away as his body began to deteriorate until it was only a shadow of the beauty that had been. And now, after all that horrific struggle, our boy is home. He isn't a little home either. He is all the way home with Jesus. I can wish for nothing better for our other children than that they too will one day enter into paradise to romp, play, and create eternally with our Savior, and our God.
Aren't we even a little sad? Don't we miss Matt's sweet cheeks and the way he cuddled so closely in our arms. Yes. We miss him, but our missing compared with the glory he now knows are incomparable. And here is where the analogy comes in. Imagine with me that you are at a State Championship soccer game watching your son play. It's late in the evening and bitterly cold. You have a headache because you didn't have time to grab dinner on your way out to the field and you are hungry. Work was pretty bad, and it cost $15.00 to get on to the field to see you own son play! So, cold, hungry, hurting, and a little poorer, you stand shivering on the sidelines watching your child play for the title. Just when you think you couldn't possibly feel any more miserable, you wipe the drizzle from your eyes (it's raining now too) to see you son slide through the mud both legs extended to send the ball flying right into the upper right corner of the goal. He scores and seconds later the buzzer sounds. Your son's team has won the championship! Of course, you still have a headache and you are still hungry, but you don't notice anymore because something so much bigger than dinner has occurred right before your eyes. Your son has fought a valiant fight, and now he is victorious. He overcame great odds, cold weather, and tough competition to win the title. You are so elated with his success that you no longer remember you are hungry or tired or cold.
We feel like this with Matt. Even though we miss him terribly and mourn the separation we now endure, we are so thrilled with his eternal victory that we cannot quell the joy overflowing from our hearts. The sorrow we feel is overshadowed by our joy at his success. Matt is not only no longer suffering, he now lives.
"Go, Matty, Go!" (what mom doesn't want to get to cheer for her son at least once?) "You did it, buddy. No more tears. No more sorrow. No more dreadful pain! Play tough, little boy. We are so, so thankful you made it home. Please pray for us that we might know the mercy of our God and the unmerited salvation you now enjoy."
We would not bring Matt back if we could. C.S. Lewis once said that Lazarus should be considered the first martyr rather than Stephen because he had to die twice. Death stinks. Having completed that wretched journey, we who say we believe ought to act like we do and celebrate through our tears the success of those we love. In our grief, real as it is, we must not forget the hope of heaven.
We are praying that no matter how tough your situation is today, you will know the hope we have in Christ, a hope that will not disappoint. This old hippie song from my childhood has been running through my head off and on for the past three months, "Heaven is a wonderful place filled with glory and grace. I want to see my Savior's face because heaven is a wonderful place." Paul wrote that if heaven is not real, then we are to be pitied most among all men. If, on the other hand, heaven is real, we have won a great victory. Live in light of that hope knowing that all of these trials have their purpose to perfect us into the image of Christ. The best is still to come.
"r&s"
Joy, peace, hope, love. These words don't even begin to describe the overwhelming spirit of gratitude given to us today. All day, I have asked for an analogy to help me describe to myself--much less to others--how we can feel joyous in the midst of such loss. This is our best attempt at an answer:
For months we have grieved Matt's passing. We walked with him down an arduous and often ugly path. We watched as he struggled for each breath. We watched and did not look away as his body began to deteriorate until it was only a shadow of the beauty that had been. And now, after all that horrific struggle, our boy is home. He isn't a little home either. He is all the way home with Jesus. I can wish for nothing better for our other children than that they too will one day enter into paradise to romp, play, and create eternally with our Savior, and our God.
Aren't we even a little sad? Don't we miss Matt's sweet cheeks and the way he cuddled so closely in our arms. Yes. We miss him, but our missing compared with the glory he now knows are incomparable. And here is where the analogy comes in. Imagine with me that you are at a State Championship soccer game watching your son play. It's late in the evening and bitterly cold. You have a headache because you didn't have time to grab dinner on your way out to the field and you are hungry. Work was pretty bad, and it cost $15.00 to get on to the field to see you own son play! So, cold, hungry, hurting, and a little poorer, you stand shivering on the sidelines watching your child play for the title. Just when you think you couldn't possibly feel any more miserable, you wipe the drizzle from your eyes (it's raining now too) to see you son slide through the mud both legs extended to send the ball flying right into the upper right corner of the goal. He scores and seconds later the buzzer sounds. Your son's team has won the championship! Of course, you still have a headache and you are still hungry, but you don't notice anymore because something so much bigger than dinner has occurred right before your eyes. Your son has fought a valiant fight, and now he is victorious. He overcame great odds, cold weather, and tough competition to win the title. You are so elated with his success that you no longer remember you are hungry or tired or cold.
We feel like this with Matt. Even though we miss him terribly and mourn the separation we now endure, we are so thrilled with his eternal victory that we cannot quell the joy overflowing from our hearts. The sorrow we feel is overshadowed by our joy at his success. Matt is not only no longer suffering, he now lives.
"Go, Matty, Go!" (what mom doesn't want to get to cheer for her son at least once?) "You did it, buddy. No more tears. No more sorrow. No more dreadful pain! Play tough, little boy. We are so, so thankful you made it home. Please pray for us that we might know the mercy of our God and the unmerited salvation you now enjoy."
We would not bring Matt back if we could. C.S. Lewis once said that Lazarus should be considered the first martyr rather than Stephen because he had to die twice. Death stinks. Having completed that wretched journey, we who say we believe ought to act like we do and celebrate through our tears the success of those we love. In our grief, real as it is, we must not forget the hope of heaven.
We are praying that no matter how tough your situation is today, you will know the hope we have in Christ, a hope that will not disappoint. This old hippie song from my childhood has been running through my head off and on for the past three months, "Heaven is a wonderful place filled with glory and grace. I want to see my Savior's face because heaven is a wonderful place." Paul wrote that if heaven is not real, then we are to be pitied most among all men. If, on the other hand, heaven is real, we have won a great victory. Live in light of that hope knowing that all of these trials have their purpose to perfect us into the image of Christ. The best is still to come.
"r&s"
Sunday, April 19, 2009
a little secret something special
you who have followed matt's story, you who have prayed for the "b" family and for matt during his short life, all of you who have been a part and watched God unfold His plan right before our eyes.. you are really special to matt's mommy and daddy. we would like to do something special for them, involving you. if you would like to be a part of it, please email amy and lyss at prayformattblog@gmail.com. i will email you the info on how to be a part. i won't put details here since it's a "secret". oh, and it doesn't cost anything. just a couple minutes of your time.
finally home.
matty matt went home this morning. home to Jesus.we will post something soon about donating to the adoption fund in lieu of flowers, etc.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
"e"'s book
as we sat around this afternoon, "walking matt home", "e" wrote her first book. she drew each of these pages carefully, making sure to draw the family in the exact outfits that they were in for their family photo last week. she then dictated to "r" word for word what she wanted the book to say. next, she took some tape, and bound it. she made it for matt to take with him, after Jesus takes him home.
in case you can't see the words well:
"matty matt, i hope you have a fun time in heaven."
"this is our family. i hope that you remember me and "j"."
"matty matt. i hope you remember how i used to hold you and feed you."
"i will be praying for you while you are in heaven."
"at christmas, i will remember you."
she is such an old soul. she talked and talked to matt this afternoon, just telling him to have fun in heaven, that she loves him, that his cheeks are so cute, etc. her innocence and her honesty continue to remind us that matt is going to a better place. matt will live with Jesus very very soon. and that's GOOD! it's GOOD! yes, we'll miss him. so very much. but he will be with our Savior, our Creator, our God. forever. and if we know Jesus, then we get to see him again. and "e" gets that. and it's such a good reminder to me. amazing what i can learn from a five year old.
in case you can't see the words well:
"matty matt, i hope you have a fun time in heaven."
"this is our family. i hope that you remember me and "j"."
"matty matt. i hope you remember how i used to hold you and feed you."
"i will be praying for you while you are in heaven."
"at christmas, i will remember you."
she is such an old soul. she talked and talked to matt this afternoon, just telling him to have fun in heaven, that she loves him, that his cheeks are so cute, etc. her innocence and her honesty continue to remind us that matt is going to a better place. matt will live with Jesus very very soon. and that's GOOD! it's GOOD! yes, we'll miss him. so very much. but he will be with our Savior, our Creator, our God. forever. and if we know Jesus, then we get to see him again. and "e" gets that. and it's such a good reminder to me. amazing what i can learn from a five year old.
Friday, April 17, 2009
praying goodbye
Last night we all knelt around Matt and held his small, weakened hands. We prayed thanks to God for allowing us to keep Matt for this short while. I thanked Him for the sister He has grown in “E” and the brother He has grown in “J,” and for the laborious hours of love and sleeplessness “R” has poured into loving Matt as only a mother does for her son. We shed tears as we prayed goodbye.
“Dada,” ‘E’ then says with tears on her face, “let’s read ‘J’ the story of Jesus dying on the cross so he can know how to get to heaven. “
And that is the story of Matt. Even in his weakest moment, with barely a breath left in his gaunt little body, God’s love and goodness cry out. Matt has changed our hearts and widely touched people around us, many of whom I have never even met. Now more than ever, God uses Matt to point our hearts to the gospel in the most desperate of ways.
Watching the process of flesh turning back to the dirt from which God formed it is painful and horrific. We can hardly bear to undress Matt for a bath. It is obvious our little boy is going home soon and we can feel the weight of an earthly lifetime of missing him looming. Our hope, however, is this: the suffering of this world is not worthy to be compared to the glory which will one day be revealed (Rom 8:18).
So have hope, my friends. If your heart breaks with ours at the coming loss of little Matt, let it be to God’s glory. Let our hearts break that we are “on the wrong side of the door,” as C.S. Lewis put it. Let us long to be there, with Christ, someday.
Last night in our circle around Matt, we imagined what he might look like in heaven. Can you imagine what it will be like for him to run and smile and laugh and do all of the magnificent things that he will do there? We will all wait patiently for Matt to leave his earthly body, glad to hold him another minute. In the future, however, we will wait very impatiently for our faith to become sight.
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him(1 Thes 4:13).
"S"
“Dada,” ‘E’ then says with tears on her face, “let’s read ‘J’ the story of Jesus dying on the cross so he can know how to get to heaven. “
And that is the story of Matt. Even in his weakest moment, with barely a breath left in his gaunt little body, God’s love and goodness cry out. Matt has changed our hearts and widely touched people around us, many of whom I have never even met. Now more than ever, God uses Matt to point our hearts to the gospel in the most desperate of ways.
Watching the process of flesh turning back to the dirt from which God formed it is painful and horrific. We can hardly bear to undress Matt for a bath. It is obvious our little boy is going home soon and we can feel the weight of an earthly lifetime of missing him looming. Our hope, however, is this: the suffering of this world is not worthy to be compared to the glory which will one day be revealed (Rom 8:18).
So have hope, my friends. If your heart breaks with ours at the coming loss of little Matt, let it be to God’s glory. Let our hearts break that we are “on the wrong side of the door,” as C.S. Lewis put it. Let us long to be there, with Christ, someday.
Last night in our circle around Matt, we imagined what he might look like in heaven. Can you imagine what it will be like for him to run and smile and laugh and do all of the magnificent things that he will do there? We will all wait patiently for Matt to leave his earthly body, glad to hold him another minute. In the future, however, we will wait very impatiently for our faith to become sight.
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him(1 Thes 4:13).
"S"
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the final mile
We don't know quite where we are with Matt, but it looks as though we are in the last stretch. The last two weeks have been very difficult for all of us. Please continue to pray God would be glorified in the midst of our suffering and the separation to come.
"r"
"r"
have you ever
seen such a perfect little face.... matt turned 3 months old a couple days ago. i'll let "r" update on how he's doing, but please continue to pray for him and for the family. just wanted to post a pic of the munchkin.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
please help protect health care provider's right of conscience
dear all:
The Obama Administration is in the process of eliminating the protections in place to affirm health care provider's right of conscience. Before the Administration can remove these protections through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Department must take public comment. You can comment up until April 9th by accessing the following website:
http://www.freedom2care.org/
Simply click on the appropriate button, "Patient" or" Health Care Provider," at the top of the web page under the heading, "Send My Message to the Government."
Regardless of our varying positions on abortion, I think we can all agree that we want our health care providers to be free to utilize their moral and ethical faculties when providing our care.
Please take action immediately. You can learn more about the issue and view the legislation to be rescinded at the above cite. The Christian Medical and Dental Associations (CMDA) has also prepared several videos on the issue available at: http://www.cmda.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Right_of_Conscience&TEMPLATE=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&CONTENTID=21504
This may not seem to have a lot to do with Matt, however, we believe this has everything to do with maintaining the freedom to object to participating in the elimination of babies just like Matt. By taking Matt into our home, we hope to in some small part follow the biblical mandate to overcome the evil of unwanted and orphaned children through the good of adoption. (Romans 12:21). The following is a statement by Mother Theresa that I believe sums up the connection b/w loving Matt and protecting the free NOT to participate in what we believe is unethical behavior:
--STATEMENT BY MOTHER TERESA SENT TO THE CAIRO INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON POPULATION AND DEVELOPMENT ON SEPT. 9, 1994
Loving Matt hurts like crazy, but I am confident this pain is a sacrifice God will use to bring joy and peace to all of us. Please help us to continue this work by allowing health care providers such as my husband to practice within the constraints of "do no harm."
"r"
The Obama Administration is in the process of eliminating the protections in place to affirm health care provider's right of conscience. Before the Administration can remove these protections through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Department must take public comment. You can comment up until April 9th by accessing the following website:
http://www.freedom2care.org/
Simply click on the appropriate button, "Patient" or" Health Care Provider," at the top of the web page under the heading, "Send My Message to the Government."
Regardless of our varying positions on abortion, I think we can all agree that we want our health care providers to be free to utilize their moral and ethical faculties when providing our care.
Please take action immediately. You can learn more about the issue and view the legislation to be rescinded at the above cite. The Christian Medical and Dental Associations (CMDA) has also prepared several videos on the issue available at: http://www.cmda.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Right_of_Conscience&TEMPLATE=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&CONTENTID=21504
This may not seem to have a lot to do with Matt, however, we believe this has everything to do with maintaining the freedom to object to participating in the elimination of babies just like Matt. By taking Matt into our home, we hope to in some small part follow the biblical mandate to overcome the evil of unwanted and orphaned children through the good of adoption. (Romans 12:21). The following is a statement by Mother Theresa that I believe sums up the connection b/w loving Matt and protecting the free NOT to participate in what we believe is unethical behavior:
Each one of us is here today because we have been loved by God who created us and our parents who accepted and cared enough to give us life. Life is the most beautiful gift of God. That is why it is so painful to see what is happening today in so many places around the world: life is being deliberately destroyed by war, by violence, by abortion. And we have been created by God for greater things - to love and be loved.
I have said often, and I am sure of it, that the greatest destroyer of peace in the world today is abortion. If a mother can kill her own child, what is there to stop you and me from killing each other? The only one who has the right to take life is the One who has created it. Nobody else has that right: not the mother, not the father, not the doctor, no agency, no conference, no government.
I am sure that deep down in your heart, you know that the unborn child is a human being loved by God, like you and me. How can anyone knowing that, deliberately destroy that life? It frightens me to think of all the people who kill their conscience so that they can perform an abortion. When we die, we will come face to face with God, the Author of life. Who will give an account to God for the millions and millions of babies who were not allowed to have the chance to live, to experience loving and being loved?
God has created a world big enough for all the lives He wishes to be born. It is only our hearts that are not big enough to want them and accept them. If all the money that is being spent on finding ways to kill people was used instead to feed them and house them and educate them - how beautiful that would be. We are too often afraid of the sacrifices we might have to make. But where there is love, there is always sacrifice. And when we love until it hurts, there is joy and peace.
--STATEMENT BY MOTHER TERESA SENT TO THE CAIRO INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON POPULATION AND DEVELOPMENT ON SEPT. 9, 1994
Loving Matt hurts like crazy, but I am confident this pain is a sacrifice God will use to bring joy and peace to all of us. Please help us to continue this work by allowing health care providers such as my husband to practice within the constraints of "do no harm."
"r"
Saturday, March 21, 2009
planned parenthood
One verse keeps running through my head as I think about announcing our current pregnancy, “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” Proverbs 19:21 (NLT).
While only half of American pregnancies are intentional, virtually all adoptions are the product of a long planning processes. We managed to unintentionally buck the trend and have done it all backwards: we planned the pregnancy and were surprised by the opportunity to adopt Matt into our family. Matt’s adoption could hardly be planned as no one but his mother even knew he existed until the day of his birth, and he did not become “unadoptable” via agency placement until his terminal diagnosis was made, 24 hours after his birth. While we had long talked of adopting at some point, we certainly had not foreseen imminent adoption in our future on the morning of January 13th.
In fact, up until we learned that Matt had been born, we had been pursuing our goal of a biological third child. Of course, all such plans were necessarily abandoned when we learned of Matt. The stakes for our children, for our hearts, for Matt, and for God's glory were so high, we had a hard time doing anything but praying and seeking counsel. In fact, we have never been more blindsided or desperate for wisdom than we found ourselves to be when Matt was born and his horrific illness became apparent. All of the sudden, wisdom truly became more precious than gold. On the one hand, we knew if we didn't take Matt home with us, he would be institutionalized and likely neglected. On the other hand, we had been clearly warned by a number of experienced counselors that if we brought Matt home, our children would suffer neglect of a different but perhaps more mindful sort. Torn between our already existent children, any thoughts of introducing further complications to our tortured tale were happily discarded.
In the end, our counselors agreed with us that bringing Matt into our home within a strict system of accountability was in line with the scriptural "purposes" God has laid on our hearts. At the time, we informed our social worker and others that there was a possibility that we had become pregnant prior to Matt's birth, and they all agreed that bringing Matt home was purposed despite the complexities that pregnancy would present.
Two weeks after we brought Matt home, we found out that I was pregnant. Not long after that, Matt was admitted to the hospital for a possible "miracle cure," which turned out to be something less than miraculous. In fact driving to the hospital the morning of Matt's hospitalization, I was wondering how we would fit four children into the backseat of our tiny Corolla. On the way home from the hospital--with Matt's terminal diagnosis apparently solidified and strong evidence that I was losing the pregnancy--the backseat looked far too big. Two children apparently lost in a matter of hours.
Today, both Matt and the pregnancy are progressing nicely. We haven't actually lost either of them yet. I honestly have no idea what that means except that they both have heart beats and are both growing as expected. We have no idea how all of this will end or even what tomorrow will look like. Questions such as, "Do we need a bigger car? If I buy a stroller, should I get one to accommodate twins? Will we need two infant car seats? Will we have two special needs children and for how long? Was it really a TORCH infection?" roll around in my head with no ready answers. We just don't know what tomorrow will bring. We do know, however, that God is sovereign over all things including Matt and the baby fluttering around inside.
God is sovereign over life and death, which is why "planned parenthood," just like planned anything else ultimately implies an element of human control which does not jive well with the truth of God's sovereignty as portrayed in scripture. It is error to take life when it has been given, and it is equal error to demand life when it is taken. God gives and He takes away, blessed be His name because He knows better than we do what we really need. He knows and directs what is best for us, which can sometimes be very difficult for us planners to accept.
In short, we are somewhere between 12 and 13 weeks gestation, having conceived this little one just two days before Matt's introduction to the world. Nothing has ever been more physically demanding than the last three months have been on our bodies. Why God would allow events to transpire as they have I cannot tell you. I can assure you that despite the ridiculousness of our situation, God has clearly brought us to this place through a number of wise counselors and constant and desperate pleas for wisdom, which according to James 1:5 he has promised to answer affirmatively. This situation was not planned, but it has been directed from the outset:
This is what the LORD says-- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17 (NLT).
Praise God that He knows where we are going. I am confident that wherever we go, we will be humbled by God's sovereignty over all things, including parenthood, and encouraged by our ongoing need for the gospel of grace as we raise our now three and soon--if God wills it--four children.
"r"
While only half of American pregnancies are intentional, virtually all adoptions are the product of a long planning processes. We managed to unintentionally buck the trend and have done it all backwards: we planned the pregnancy and were surprised by the opportunity to adopt Matt into our family. Matt’s adoption could hardly be planned as no one but his mother even knew he existed until the day of his birth, and he did not become “unadoptable” via agency placement until his terminal diagnosis was made, 24 hours after his birth. While we had long talked of adopting at some point, we certainly had not foreseen imminent adoption in our future on the morning of January 13th.
In fact, up until we learned that Matt had been born, we had been pursuing our goal of a biological third child. Of course, all such plans were necessarily abandoned when we learned of Matt. The stakes for our children, for our hearts, for Matt, and for God's glory were so high, we had a hard time doing anything but praying and seeking counsel. In fact, we have never been more blindsided or desperate for wisdom than we found ourselves to be when Matt was born and his horrific illness became apparent. All of the sudden, wisdom truly became more precious than gold. On the one hand, we knew if we didn't take Matt home with us, he would be institutionalized and likely neglected. On the other hand, we had been clearly warned by a number of experienced counselors that if we brought Matt home, our children would suffer neglect of a different but perhaps more mindful sort. Torn between our already existent children, any thoughts of introducing further complications to our tortured tale were happily discarded.
In the end, our counselors agreed with us that bringing Matt into our home within a strict system of accountability was in line with the scriptural "purposes" God has laid on our hearts. At the time, we informed our social worker and others that there was a possibility that we had become pregnant prior to Matt's birth, and they all agreed that bringing Matt home was purposed despite the complexities that pregnancy would present.
Two weeks after we brought Matt home, we found out that I was pregnant. Not long after that, Matt was admitted to the hospital for a possible "miracle cure," which turned out to be something less than miraculous. In fact driving to the hospital the morning of Matt's hospitalization, I was wondering how we would fit four children into the backseat of our tiny Corolla. On the way home from the hospital--with Matt's terminal diagnosis apparently solidified and strong evidence that I was losing the pregnancy--the backseat looked far too big. Two children apparently lost in a matter of hours.
Today, both Matt and the pregnancy are progressing nicely. We haven't actually lost either of them yet. I honestly have no idea what that means except that they both have heart beats and are both growing as expected. We have no idea how all of this will end or even what tomorrow will look like. Questions such as, "Do we need a bigger car? If I buy a stroller, should I get one to accommodate twins? Will we need two infant car seats? Will we have two special needs children and for how long? Was it really a TORCH infection?" roll around in my head with no ready answers. We just don't know what tomorrow will bring. We do know, however, that God is sovereign over all things including Matt and the baby fluttering around inside.
God is sovereign over life and death, which is why "planned parenthood," just like planned anything else ultimately implies an element of human control which does not jive well with the truth of God's sovereignty as portrayed in scripture. It is error to take life when it has been given, and it is equal error to demand life when it is taken. God gives and He takes away, blessed be His name because He knows better than we do what we really need. He knows and directs what is best for us, which can sometimes be very difficult for us planners to accept.
In short, we are somewhere between 12 and 13 weeks gestation, having conceived this little one just two days before Matt's introduction to the world. Nothing has ever been more physically demanding than the last three months have been on our bodies. Why God would allow events to transpire as they have I cannot tell you. I can assure you that despite the ridiculousness of our situation, God has clearly brought us to this place through a number of wise counselors and constant and desperate pleas for wisdom, which according to James 1:5 he has promised to answer affirmatively. This situation was not planned, but it has been directed from the outset:
This is what the LORD says-- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17 (NLT).
Praise God that He knows where we are going. I am confident that wherever we go, we will be humbled by God's sovereignty over all things, including parenthood, and encouraged by our ongoing need for the gospel of grace as we raise our now three and soon--if God wills it--four children.
"r"
Friday, March 20, 2009
the gang
this is from a few weeks ago. we were lucky to get to have "r"'s sister and her kiddos in town. so we took the crew to a park to wreak havoc for a few hours. this was about three minutes before we were "all done." and to note, these are only a few of the precious little children who love little matty matt.
little blessings
i was so blessed this week. we were out in the driveway for our typical 4 o'clock, let the kids roam until the dads get home, hang out experience. and little matt was up to something. that boy was just talkin' and talkin'! ok, not TALKING. but cooing and gooing and it sure seemed like he was interacting with "r" in ways we hadn't seen in a long time. or ever! these moments are few, but they are so precious. we know they won't last forever, so in a frenzy, i grabbed the camera, to help make them last even a BIT longer.... (oh you have to click on the images to see them in full. not sure why.)
Friday, March 6, 2009
legal guardianship
We now have legal guardianship of Matt. Thanks to the generosity, skill, and kindness of our lawyer and friend, "R," Matt's guardianship hearing was more of a "date" than a chore. "S" had to be there, which meant he was forced to steal a few minutes away from work, which was a wonderful treat for both of us.
Matt's physical condition continues to deteriorate as expected. He appears to be blind, though his eyes will still respond to bright flashes of light, and his hearing seems to be diminished as well. As we approach his two-month birthday, it becomes increasingly apparent that he has not met a single milestone. While we had been told this would be the case, it is nonetheless disappointing to see little earthly reward for our investment.
I would like to tell you that Matt never suffers, but that would be a lie. His suffering is minimal now due to a complex regiment of medications, positioning, and massage. Nevertheless, he does suffer at times. If he did not experience periodic discomfort, we would likely be overdoing the medications. So, we continue to work round the clock with our dedicated team of physicians, nurses, and therapists to figure out how to respond to Matt's ever changing needs. We do this despite the fact that we know we will never really understand, much less cure, Matt's illness.
Even if we will never really understand all the ins and outs of this disease, we are learning to understand Matt. He is basically blind, and he makes only negative or neutral expressions with his voice and face. Despite these limitations, we have learned to adjust his care by paying close attention to the peaceful expressions he is capable of making. I now know just how to hold him, lay him down, snuggle him, and feed his so that he is most comfortable and at least risk of choking. In some ways, carrying for him is simple. If you think of how you would like to be held and cared for when you have a terrible headache, then you will have a good idea of Matt's basic likes and dislikes. He doesn't enjoy sudden movements, loud noises, or being bounced or jiggled. He doesn't enjoy rocking--unless it is ridiculously slow. He doesn't even enjoy being walked down the stairs, as his Moro or startle reflex causes him to jerk spastically with every step. He does, however, like the sounds of his family, and I have convinced myself that he knows when I am holding him because he relaxes so dramatically.
In any event, Matt's head continues to grow and his prognosis continues to worsen. As it does, we are forced to turn our eyes all the more towards heaven. We have no choice. Either we focus on the hope that is to come or we drown in the despair of the moment. God is good, but He is not a genie. His ways are not our ways, and His plans ultimately push us beyond hope in the created world to the Creator Himself. I never knew how tied to this world I was until I began to care for Matt. I know now in a new way that even my seemingly selfless acts are absurdly selfish.
Matt doesn't respond positively to all the love and care we shower on him, and despite the fact that I knew in my head he wouldn't, I still want him to smile back at me. Instead of smiling, he either stares at me blankly or screams in response to my best efforts to communicate with him. The discouragement I feel at his failure to thrive only evidences the selfishness of my endeavors. Before Matt, I was tempted to believe I loved my children with at least an inkling of selflessness. I now know that I expect at least some return for my investment. At the very least, I would like a two-month smile and a 3-month squeal of delight in response for the long nights and endless feedings. I am humbled further to think of the earthly reward I am tempted to expect from my older children. Each day with Matt, it looks more and more like all of our reward is being deposited in heaven (or not, because God loves a cheerful giver, and sometimes, I am just not). Frankly, I am not all that happy about the choice of accounts. While I may have previously thought I wanted to deposit all of my treasure in heaven, I now know I am more or a 50/50 or even 25/75 kind of girl. I would like some treasure in heaven and most of it here.
It may be this very realization of further indwelling sin that God seeks to remedy in part through our love of Matt. I once thought we were called to care for orphans and widows in their distress because by caring for them, we would see buckets of fruit in our own lives. I now believe, we are called to selfless acts because in our attempts at selflessness, our selfishness is exposed. I am utterly incapable of selfless love apart from Christ at work in me. So, exposed and helpless in the wake of selfishness, I, like all of us, have no choice but to rest completely in Christ for salvation. By faith alone, we are saved. Through our attempts at "good" works, we become all the more aware of our need for salvation. Praise God that His grace and love cover us completely and instill in us the hope of heaven!
It is sin to seek self above the good that God has willed for our lives. Sin separates us from the love that Christ has for us. It is this very separation--the separation that death embodies--that Christ died to overcome. Death stinks. We all hate it, but God more than hated death. He did something about it. Jesus came to overcome death once and for all at the cross. Our hope isn't in life now. Our hope, like it or not, is in heaven. Our hope is not in miracle cures, our hope is in a sound doctrine of suffering that begins and ends in the cross.
So, I am thankful for Matt because he has further exposed the blackness in my heart and my need for the the forgiveness found in Jesus. I am sick because I seek physical healing, signs and wonders, rather than the One to whom the signs point. Jesus is our hope. Spiritual healing is our calling and our destiny in Christ. Someday I will watch Matt run and play and laugh. Until we finally make it home, we rest in His finished work and long for its realization in heaven.
"r"
Matt's physical condition continues to deteriorate as expected. He appears to be blind, though his eyes will still respond to bright flashes of light, and his hearing seems to be diminished as well. As we approach his two-month birthday, it becomes increasingly apparent that he has not met a single milestone. While we had been told this would be the case, it is nonetheless disappointing to see little earthly reward for our investment.
I would like to tell you that Matt never suffers, but that would be a lie. His suffering is minimal now due to a complex regiment of medications, positioning, and massage. Nevertheless, he does suffer at times. If he did not experience periodic discomfort, we would likely be overdoing the medications. So, we continue to work round the clock with our dedicated team of physicians, nurses, and therapists to figure out how to respond to Matt's ever changing needs. We do this despite the fact that we know we will never really understand, much less cure, Matt's illness.
Even if we will never really understand all the ins and outs of this disease, we are learning to understand Matt. He is basically blind, and he makes only negative or neutral expressions with his voice and face. Despite these limitations, we have learned to adjust his care by paying close attention to the peaceful expressions he is capable of making. I now know just how to hold him, lay him down, snuggle him, and feed his so that he is most comfortable and at least risk of choking. In some ways, carrying for him is simple. If you think of how you would like to be held and cared for when you have a terrible headache, then you will have a good idea of Matt's basic likes and dislikes. He doesn't enjoy sudden movements, loud noises, or being bounced or jiggled. He doesn't enjoy rocking--unless it is ridiculously slow. He doesn't even enjoy being walked down the stairs, as his Moro or startle reflex causes him to jerk spastically with every step. He does, however, like the sounds of his family, and I have convinced myself that he knows when I am holding him because he relaxes so dramatically.
In any event, Matt's head continues to grow and his prognosis continues to worsen. As it does, we are forced to turn our eyes all the more towards heaven. We have no choice. Either we focus on the hope that is to come or we drown in the despair of the moment. God is good, but He is not a genie. His ways are not our ways, and His plans ultimately push us beyond hope in the created world to the Creator Himself. I never knew how tied to this world I was until I began to care for Matt. I know now in a new way that even my seemingly selfless acts are absurdly selfish.
Matt doesn't respond positively to all the love and care we shower on him, and despite the fact that I knew in my head he wouldn't, I still want him to smile back at me. Instead of smiling, he either stares at me blankly or screams in response to my best efforts to communicate with him. The discouragement I feel at his failure to thrive only evidences the selfishness of my endeavors. Before Matt, I was tempted to believe I loved my children with at least an inkling of selflessness. I now know that I expect at least some return for my investment. At the very least, I would like a two-month smile and a 3-month squeal of delight in response for the long nights and endless feedings. I am humbled further to think of the earthly reward I am tempted to expect from my older children. Each day with Matt, it looks more and more like all of our reward is being deposited in heaven (or not, because God loves a cheerful giver, and sometimes, I am just not). Frankly, I am not all that happy about the choice of accounts. While I may have previously thought I wanted to deposit all of my treasure in heaven, I now know I am more or a 50/50 or even 25/75 kind of girl. I would like some treasure in heaven and most of it here.
It may be this very realization of further indwelling sin that God seeks to remedy in part through our love of Matt. I once thought we were called to care for orphans and widows in their distress because by caring for them, we would see buckets of fruit in our own lives. I now believe, we are called to selfless acts because in our attempts at selflessness, our selfishness is exposed. I am utterly incapable of selfless love apart from Christ at work in me. So, exposed and helpless in the wake of selfishness, I, like all of us, have no choice but to rest completely in Christ for salvation. By faith alone, we are saved. Through our attempts at "good" works, we become all the more aware of our need for salvation. Praise God that His grace and love cover us completely and instill in us the hope of heaven!
It is sin to seek self above the good that God has willed for our lives. Sin separates us from the love that Christ has for us. It is this very separation--the separation that death embodies--that Christ died to overcome. Death stinks. We all hate it, but God more than hated death. He did something about it. Jesus came to overcome death once and for all at the cross. Our hope isn't in life now. Our hope, like it or not, is in heaven. Our hope is not in miracle cures, our hope is in a sound doctrine of suffering that begins and ends in the cross.
So, I am thankful for Matt because he has further exposed the blackness in my heart and my need for the the forgiveness found in Jesus. I am sick because I seek physical healing, signs and wonders, rather than the One to whom the signs point. Jesus is our hope. Spiritual healing is our calling and our destiny in Christ. Someday I will watch Matt run and play and laugh. Until we finally make it home, we rest in His finished work and long for its realization in heaven.
"r"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
matty matt- 5 and a half weeks
look at this angel baby. he was so alert and happy today for me to snap a couple pics! look at him holding his head up. he's such a strong little trooper. i am in love with the black and white one, he was just snuggin on lyss' fingers while she held him. matt was 5 weeks this week! just look at those big brown eyes. he is still just so cuddly and precious. 
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
blog button
i wanted to thank "the cutest blog on the block" for making matt his own blog button! and thank you to the sweet reader who funded it. :) feel free to take it and add it to your blogs!
Monday, February 16, 2009
purpose from another blog
This is a post from a friend's blog. I was encouraged by the content, and I hope you will be too. "r"
new creation. (Thursday, February 12, 2009)
I pray the same prayer for my unborn son...the same that I have for all my children...and for this one especially a lot lately. My biggest desire for my children. The one thing I won't let go of. The one battle I will gladly fight for on my knees until I see the answer. And after you've prayed it for so long, it still surprises you, delights you, and overwhelms you when it happens. And the angels sing.
We were praying for baby Matt this evening, and I explained to my girls how he was born, what we should pray for him, and of his beautiful story. And then went on to explain that even if he does die, that he will go to heaven to be with Jesus. And how beautiful that was especially for his family...knowing they will still get to see him someday in heaven. We talked of seeing grandparents in heaven someday, meeting the brother or sister that we miscarried last year, our hope in Christ. And then my little A asked if her big sister had said the special prayer before. She knows all about how to come to know the Lord, and has asked many questions over the past couple of years. But we have left it up to her to tell us if/when she is ready. It would have been easy for me to push this issue with her...to prompt her more than I should. To ensure that my own heart could rest easy of her salvation. But I haven't.
And then she said it. "I want to now." I almost didn't realize what she was talking about. For months and months we talk about these things as they come up, and she has never said anything about wanting to say that special prayer. But tonight, she wanted me to go to the other room and pray with her.
So if you did hear the angels singing a little louder than usual tonight, it's because my second baby asked Jesus into her heart. All those prayers. All the times I even worried it may not happen. And He knew. He knew the day, the moment, the after dark hour when snuggled atop her bunk bed, clad in mismatched pajamas, that my little one would make her decision. And He answered my prayer. That He would explain to her heart what I could not fully. That He would call her by name. That He would reach her and bring her to Himself. He is so faithful. It's so amazing how many times I fail to trust Him. How foolish I can be. Especially when over and over again He continues to show me His faithfulness, His completeness, and His perfect love.
It's funny, the other day, I was thinking about baby Matt. And I knew completely in my heart that his being on this earth has a purpose. Even if it is only for a short time. And then my human heart wondered on it's own...how though? How could his little young life be used for God's glory? Only God knows for sure, but tonight his story prompted the conversation that led to my little one's salvation. May all glory belong to Him, my God and Father. Blessings everyone. :)
new creation. (Thursday, February 12, 2009)
I pray the same prayer for my unborn son...the same that I have for all my children...and for this one especially a lot lately. My biggest desire for my children. The one thing I won't let go of. The one battle I will gladly fight for on my knees until I see the answer. And after you've prayed it for so long, it still surprises you, delights you, and overwhelms you when it happens. And the angels sing.
We were praying for baby Matt this evening, and I explained to my girls how he was born, what we should pray for him, and of his beautiful story. And then went on to explain that even if he does die, that he will go to heaven to be with Jesus. And how beautiful that was especially for his family...knowing they will still get to see him someday in heaven. We talked of seeing grandparents in heaven someday, meeting the brother or sister that we miscarried last year, our hope in Christ. And then my little A asked if her big sister had said the special prayer before. She knows all about how to come to know the Lord, and has asked many questions over the past couple of years. But we have left it up to her to tell us if/when she is ready. It would have been easy for me to push this issue with her...to prompt her more than I should. To ensure that my own heart could rest easy of her salvation. But I haven't.
And then she said it. "I want to now." I almost didn't realize what she was talking about. For months and months we talk about these things as they come up, and she has never said anything about wanting to say that special prayer. But tonight, she wanted me to go to the other room and pray with her.
So if you did hear the angels singing a little louder than usual tonight, it's because my second baby asked Jesus into her heart. All those prayers. All the times I even worried it may not happen. And He knew. He knew the day, the moment, the after dark hour when snuggled atop her bunk bed, clad in mismatched pajamas, that my little one would make her decision. And He answered my prayer. That He would explain to her heart what I could not fully. That He would call her by name. That He would reach her and bring her to Himself. He is so faithful. It's so amazing how many times I fail to trust Him. How foolish I can be. Especially when over and over again He continues to show me His faithfulness, His completeness, and His perfect love.
It's funny, the other day, I was thinking about baby Matt. And I knew completely in my heart that his being on this earth has a purpose. Even if it is only for a short time. And then my human heart wondered on it's own...how though? How could his little young life be used for God's glory? Only God knows for sure, but tonight his story prompted the conversation that led to my little one's salvation. May all glory belong to Him, my God and Father. Blessings everyone. :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
a plea for prayer
Matt's head continues to grow at an alarming rate, which means sleepless nights, frequent feedings, vomiting, and discomfort for Matt. It is hard thing to watch one's son die. Between the Tylenol, constant rocking, diapering, and tears, God still blesses our days with peace and joy. (Matt's actual pain is minimal due to massage, gentle vertical rocking, and occasional medication; so, please don't imagine him suffering. He spends his time being rocked, kissed, and cuddled in peace. He is, despite his condition, one of the most pleasant babies I have ever had the privilege to care for. The vomiting we have also learned to control through frequent small feedings and positioning).
Unfortunately, however, by the time I feed Matt 1-2 ounces every 1-2 hours, rock, change, massage, and bath him, there is little time left to care for the needs of our other two small children. As God allows, my priority is to provide for "e&j"s material and spiritual needs as well as those of my wonderful and terribly, exhausted husband. There is little time for anything else: I still have Christmas nail polish on my nails! It is hard for me to remember to pay the bills, much less return phone calls or emails. (I think what I am trying to say is that we are all doing amazingly well, but to insure Matt isn't in pain and everyone else is being loved, we don't have much time left to love on others we care so much about).
I was able to rock Matt for awhile tonight while I watched "e&j" take their bath. It was lovely to rock and sing to him knowing that someday soon he will be taking in the real celebration in heaven. If I get the chance, I will rock him to that beautiful music again. Everything else can wait, "I am rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"
Please continue to pray that God will help me to keep my priorities in line with His priorities for me as outlined by Titus 2:5. It would seem that not a day goes by now that I haven't disappointed someone or even lots of someones. Encourage us to keep godly priorities--especially time in His word--because more than any other kind of help, we crave grace. Please cover us in love and overlook our frailties, and by so doing, you will have given us God's best gift to us all. grace and peace to you.
"r"
Unfortunately, however, by the time I feed Matt 1-2 ounces every 1-2 hours, rock, change, massage, and bath him, there is little time left to care for the needs of our other two small children. As God allows, my priority is to provide for "e&j"s material and spiritual needs as well as those of my wonderful and terribly, exhausted husband. There is little time for anything else: I still have Christmas nail polish on my nails! It is hard for me to remember to pay the bills, much less return phone calls or emails. (I think what I am trying to say is that we are all doing amazingly well, but to insure Matt isn't in pain and everyone else is being loved, we don't have much time left to love on others we care so much about).
I was able to rock Matt for awhile tonight while I watched "e&j" take their bath. It was lovely to rock and sing to him knowing that someday soon he will be taking in the real celebration in heaven. If I get the chance, I will rock him to that beautiful music again. Everything else can wait, "I am rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"
Please continue to pray that God will help me to keep my priorities in line with His priorities for me as outlined by Titus 2:5. It would seem that not a day goes by now that I haven't disappointed someone or even lots of someones. Encourage us to keep godly priorities--especially time in His word--because more than any other kind of help, we crave grace. Please cover us in love and overlook our frailties, and by so doing, you will have given us God's best gift to us all. grace and peace to you.
"r"
Thursday, February 12, 2009
peace of mind
Final lab results indicate that Matt is CMV-free. But for any of you who are pregnant or are thinking about becoming pregnant, good hygiene is always a must. While 50-80% of us have already had the virus and therefore cannot be infected again, women who have not yet been infected are at risk of transmitting the virus to their fetus if infected for the first time during pregnancy. This virus is not transmitted through casual contact; Isolation of infected persons is therefore not warranted. We are not physicians providing diagnostic or other professional services. If you have any further questions regarding this virus please refer to the following website or contact your family physician. We hope this brings peace of mind to all those concerned.
www.cdc.gov/cmv/ - 38k
"r & m"
www.cdc.gov/cmv/ - 38k
"r & m"
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